Ten+ traits of troublemakers in black neighborhoods
by Ron "Girl's Best Friend" Diamond
One of the most frequently asked questions we get here is "What is a homey?" Although Rant N Irishman has done an exemplary job of defining it through his numerous Homey's Guides, I have decided to write a primer on the subject (Homey 101, if you will). First of all, a homey is not just somebody who is black. There are plenty of black men and women who speak normal English, study hard, work hard, and are excellent parents. Unfortunately, many of these people are ostracized as "white" (by true homies)when they're young. Homeys (and homitas) are members of the black community who (for the most part) insist on clinging to a certain lifestyle (even though the lifestyle has been proven to have negative results). Despite all evidence to the contrary, homeys continue to crank out bastards, loaf, goof, slack off, get into drugs and/or gangs, speak incoherent ebonics, vote democrat, and generally be a burden to society, in the hopes that they will eventually get their "big break" (a basketball contract, the lottery, reparations, or a career in the music industry). In other words, they are delusional.
What percentage of the black community is represented by "homies?" That's a tough one. It's very difficult to come up with a figure. Major universities and think tanks aren't concerned with studying behavior, they are only interested in braying about the results of such behaviors (results which they label "inequalities"). So based on personal observation, I would have to put the figure at around 30%. I've made it simple for you. Here are the Top 10 most common traits of a typical homey, so you'll be sure to spot 'em next time you're the victim of a carjacking. Be sure to print it out and carry it with you next time you're at the mall.
1) Poor Impulse Control
2) Bad parenting skills
3) Inflated Ego
4) Hyper-sensitivity
5) Poor communication skills
6) Bad work ethic (if any)
7) A penchant for believing Urban Legends rather than a newspaper
8) The desire for a quick buck
9) A "me-first" attitude
10) A tendency to see women as "property."
I won't attempt to justify my prioritization. Other members of MI may think #6 should be ahead of #4, for example. But I'm pretty sure I nailed it. Take a look at the most prevalent aspect of any homey - poor impulse control. That covers a lot of ground. It explains a lot of behaviors in the homey community, but don't expect Harvard to do a study on that (until they can pin it on whitey, that is). Poor impulse control is the cause of criminal behavior, dropping out of school, getting into fights, doing drugs, spreading STDs, and fathering several children (in other words, #1 directly links to #2).
Let's take a look at #3, inflated ego. This is the reason you will never (and I mean NEVER) hear a true homey say this sentence: "I disagree, but I respect your opinion." NEVER. To homey, his opinion is right, regardless of any and all facts (or should I say "ir-regardless" of the facts, since homies also like to make up words that don't exist - #5). [ED sidenote - I heard recently a new made up word in tha 'hood: "conversate," which is supposed to be the verbal form of "conversation." Don't these morons know a word already exists for this..."CONVERSE?"]
But nothing demonstrates the inflated ego better than some fat water buffalo saying that she's "all that," even though she weighs 200 lbs. (She's all that allright. "All what?" is the question). Look at the reactions of some of the homitas (or effeminate queerboys) on American Idol. When they're told they can't sing, what is their reaction? SHOCK. Not disappointment, but pure disbelief. Why? Inflated ego.
Let's move on. #4 (Hyper sensitivity). This one has really come out in full force recently. Ten years ago #4 would have probably been around #8, but it is everywhere today. Think of all the bake sales that have been held around the country by conservative college groups. The groups have made the point (very well, I might add) that giving people preferential treatment because of the color of their skin is inherently wrong. To demonstrate this, they sold baked goods at different prices, depending on the buyer's race. A cookie, for example, would cost $1.00 for whitey, $0.90 for Asians, and only $0.40 for homies, esses, and women. Naturally, homey's hypersensitivity went into overdrive. You see, to homey, whether somebody is deliberately offending you or not isn't the point. All that matters is what you PERCEIVE to be an insult (someone looking at you, whitey saying anything to do about race, etc., can all conveniently be taken as "disrespecting" homey, and he gets to "fight back"). Predictably, many of these bake sales have been shut down by the white-guilt ridden administrators at colleges around the country. And needless to say, many homeys showed their disagreement with the bake sales by turning over tables, getting into fights, and throwing muffins (we're back to #1 now). Another recent example is the case of the two black women who flew on Southwest Airlines. By now, everybody's heard the story of the flight attendant saying "eenie meenie miney mo, pick a seat, we gotta go."
Well the two women were deeply offended (actually, it turns out that one of them didn't hear it, but was talked into being offended by the other homita in preparation for their lawsuit). Their claim was that the original version of "eenie meenie miney MO" was followed by "catch a nigger by the toe." To be fair, I DO remember the "nigger" part being in that rhyme. In fact, when I was about 8, I actually said it (I remember it well, because my grandmother blistered my ass for saying it. As I recall, she made me go outside and cut a "switch" to be used in my punishment).
But let's look at that word "nigger." Everybody has said it. Anyone who says they haven't is a lying sack of shit. Hell, just look at rap videos or Def Comedy Jam. Homies use it all the time, conveniently disguised as "nigga" (as if we won't know or something). Here's the differnce: homies say it, regular black people don't. Neither do I. Getting back to our two tortured black sistahs on the airplane. Needless to say, they sued the airline. This week, their lawsuit was tossed out of court. Their claims of being "traumatized" by the event were clearly exaggerated (including one of the women claiming she had "seizures" after that fateful day). The only seizure this bitch had was when they came and took away her rented furniture because she stopped making the payments.
Oh crap! That's #11 "Doesn't pay creditors" And #12 - "Always late"
I'd better stop now